Why I feel like wanting to crawl in a hole 11/11/11

Could things get any worse? Yes I know they can but right now I feel like I have hit rock bottom. Chris always asks why I never set goals for myself. Well here is another prime example...

I applied for an EMT job about a month ago. When I called to followup about my application I was told I would be getting a call later that week. Well a few weeks went by and nothing. THEN... on Wednesday of this week, I got a call for an interview. I scheduled it for the next day. All that night I was a nervous wreck. Didn't sleep a minute. The hour drive down there I kept rehearsing the things I wanted to make sure I mentioned in my interview. The interview went so so... I felt like everything I said got shut down. I know I have no experience but I do know that I am a great candidate. Leaving the hospital I felt there was still hope. I felt for once maybe it will workout that I will get a job I love. Not even 20 minutes later and I'm getting a call. OMG... its good news right? NOPE! It was another hospital management person telling me that she has 2 CNA spots open and that per her discussion with my interviewer I would probaby be a better fit. Unfortunately I only took a CNA course and did it for three months. Never got my license. The place I worked at ruined any kind of want inside me to become a CNA. Towards the end of our conversation she said "We will go ahead and keep your application on file in case anything else comes up." Basically that to me was saying you are not going to get a job with our hospital. Ugh my heart sank. I hate that I get my hopes up. I hate the feeling of utter disappointment. Most of all, I hate the feeling that I am not good enough for a job because I have NO experience. Where will I ever get experience if I am not given the chance? I have had this problem so many times before. Medical Transcription hires experience over education, same for my Phlebotomy, and now my EMT. So there ya go, no need to set goals when you can't even get past the first stepping stone.

On a more positive note, today is 11/11/11 Veterans Day. THANK YOU to all the Veterans who have served or are serving!!!!

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes! ~Maya Angelou

Where is my make-up bag?

This might be very random but somehow I always manage to lose my make-up bag. Seriously between the last minute wake up alarm to going out the door all I do is scramble. Never do I have enough time to put on my make-up so usually I shove it in my purse. The past few days I have not been able to find it anywhere! Didn't fall out in my car, not in my office, its really making me mad. Guess this means my agenda for this evening is destroy and clean the whole house until I find it. I'm not a fan of the task but it will bug me until I find it. So much for putting it in a zebra design bag for easy finding!

Anyhow, on to other news this week. Nothing new really going on. Took Kylie trick or treating which is always a blast. She was all strategy this year. Serious business for a 7 year old! Too cute if you ask me =). The day after Halloween I went in to the doctor and go figure... another sinus infection. After the past few days of medication and being out of it I think I have finally made it through the worst. I have a cold sore on my lip to prove it. Silly things sneak up on me everytime I get a fever.

Well thats my week. Boring eh? Hope all of you are having a great week and a super fun weekend! GO GRIZ!

Trust in Him

After two nights of absolutely no sleep and nothing but anxiety and being upset all day, I think I can now function. On my way to work this morning I realized I just need to "trust in him." I have been through so much worse in my lifetime. As a female, I admit, I do get a little crazy at times. Its almost as though I lose myself. The past few days, I was the crazy lady. Today, I'm my rational self again. The joys of my hormones thinking I can control every situation and its outcome. In all honesty, deep down I knew I couldn't control the situation and what had happened. So why worry about it? Why let it eat up three days of my life? Don't get me wrong, its still in the back of my mind. I still wonder if there is something else out there I can do to save the situation. Fact of the matter is, i'm not going to let the situation control me. I've never been one to be what some would call "tamed." I'm independent, strong, and definately my own person. Its time for me to move on. I am going to put all of my trust in him and know that he has bigger and better plans. At this time it wasn't meant to be.

On another note, last night reminded me of why I love the little things in life. We didn't do anything too exciting. Cooked dinner and carved a pumpkin together then spent our night watching tv. Sounds boring right? Maybe. But just to be calm and to have a night of nothing planned is so nice sometimes. I constantly feel like I am running 24/7. Perhaps its just my brain doing the running but either way its tiring! Here is our picture of our pumpkin from last night. (Kylie picked the design which was too hard for us novice pumpkin carvers.)

Why Why Why??

For those of you that know me you probably know that my life is like a roller coaster....always changing, up and down up and down. So why is it that absolutely NOTHING in life can go as planned? Or should the question be why is it that I haven't learned to accept things don't ever go as planned? For whatever reason, I still have hope. Before I go on, I must write this -

** Err with Caution**
If you are not into reading "venting" blogs or more so "pity party" blogs then you  might not want to read any farther. Let the bitch session begin....

Okay so where do I start? I'll just go with my current irritating, annoying, anxiety situation. In January of 2010 I dedicated myself to six months of something i'm highly interested in, the medical field.  I had an opportunity to become an EMT. During that time I worked full time at my day job, drove an hour to class, had a four hour class, and drove the hour home. All to get up and do it all over again. This was hard on me as it meant time away from family. But I had to do something that could potentially benefit all of us.  So after the six months I took my practical test and passed. Took my computer based test a month later and passed that as well. For some odd reason I didn't apply to get nationally certified until December. Silly right? So I kind of looked for jobs but came to the conclusion EMT's do not get paid anything. I cannot take a drop in pay. I'm talking a $5/hr drop in pay. So then what? Just go on with my day job and everything is fine. Well within the past few months I realized I am not a person meant for an office job. I'm not happy sitting at a desk day after day processing paperwork dealing with insurance hoopla. I want something more! Funny enough, I just happened to remember my EMT license expires March of 2012 and I haven't done any continuing education hours or my 24 hour refresher. So this past weekend I spent my time at the refresher. So glad I learned. On my drive to get Kylie from my mom I became so excited. I realized I can go back to school in the medical field, I can make it work! I will get an EMT job and work around Chris' schedule and then go to school when Kylie is in school. I wouldn't be taking away from hardly any family time from Kylie because she would always have myself or Christopher around. Sounds promising right? Well as I said earlier, nothing ever goes as planned. I got to the usual halfway place where I meet my mom to exchange Kylie and had some time to spare while waiting. I opened up my mail. Well what do ya know, it was my recertification paperwork. As I read through the requirements my heart sank! Tears could not be held back. My excited from the hour long drive had ended. In big bold letters read "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME RE CERTIFYING, YOU MUST HAVE 6 MONTHS OF EXPERIENCE UNDER THE SUPERVISION OF A MEDICAL DIRECTOR. YOU CANNOT APPLY FOR INACTIVE STATUS. NO EXCEPTIONS APPLY." Those aren't the exact words but pretty dang close. I knew I was going to have to get a job somewhere because I don't have a medical director over me now. I can't volunteer at a volunteer fire dept because we live in city  limits therefore my only option is job. I was banking on the inactive status if a job fell through. But March is 5 months away and I should be able to find a job by then. Wait March is 5 months away and according to the recertification process I cannot apply for inactive status and I must have 6 months of experience. Guess what that means??? My EMT license is doomed. ='( I know to some it may not seem like the end of the world but for ONCE for ONE time I just wish something, anything would work out. I want so badly to go to school. I was even talked into losing the pay as I knew it would be worth it. If only I could afford to go to school and not work. If only I could find a job that would work around my school hours that didn't take up all of my family time. Where do I go from here? What does my future hold?

to be continued...

Guess who's back?

Wow, I haven't blogged since 2009! My life must be boring? Or is it I just haven't had the time? Either way..... I'M BACK!